Paul Wood

Paul Wood
An Englishman in Bucharest

Sunday, 26 February 2012

100 novels everyone should read

I scored 43% in the Sunday Telegraph's list of 100 novels everyone should read. Many duds on this list: Frankenstein; Cranford; Passage to India; Miss Jean Brodie; Lord of the Rings; 100 Years of Solitude; Under the Net; Unbearable Lightness; etc., etc. 


The Hound of the Baskervilles I suppose everyone SHOULD read though it is not a great book. Sherlock Holmes is a great character and that is the best of the novels and better than any of the short stories. Thank God the pulp novel Dracula was not included. 


Thank God too The Scarlet Letter is not on this list - one of the worst written, dullest books I ever read. Missing too are various other worthy bores that are in the canon like Vanity Fair. 


I have read all E.M. Forster's novels and some of them two or three times and I am sure he was right that he was not a great writer. Passage to India is one of his worst though not nearly as bad as the awful Maurice.  Dozens of Indian civil servants threw their copies over the side of the ships taking them back from leave and they were right, even though they belonged to the world of telegrams and anger. But P.N. Firbank's life of Forster is a great delight and Forster's philosophy - always connect - betray your country for your friend - has a warm adolescent passion that reveals his essential immaturity and which spoke to me when I was an adolescent of 26. (Is his immaturity linked to his being a homosexual or are there better novelists who were homosexual?)


Balzac was certainly very immature. No-one over the age of 26, as Gide said, can read Balzac and I read Goriot too late (I simply loved Eugenie Grandet in my early teens). 


I always looked forward to loving Tristram Shandy. After all I had loved the Sentimental Journey by Sterne and that was just a chip off the Shandy block. But on two attempts TS withstood me. But I know the fault is mine not Sterne's. By the way, I always treasure Dr. Johnson's unprophetic remark: 'Nothing odd will do long. Tristram Shandy did not last.'


I imagine Don Quixote, as someone said of Wagner, has great moments and truly terrible half hours. Do people read Clarissa? Should they? I must admit I did not try either. I did love  a collection of short picaresque novels from 16th century Spain.


The best on this list are The Scarlet and the Black (but Charterhouse of Parma is even better) and the 1001 Nights, which is not a novel but I suppose the longer tales are. Aladdin and Ali Baba are sublime as are most of the tales. I read Sir Charles Johnson's translation of Eugene Onegin which is very enjoyable and I recommend it  with the caveat that THERE IS NO POINT IN READING POETRY IN TRANSLATION.


And if novels in verse are allowed then the best by far are Chaucer's Troilus and Cresseyde closely followed by Don Juan by Byron.




I am ashamed I have never read Jane Eyre or Tristram Shandy. I have not read Mme Bovary or War and Peace either but they are foreign and therefore not compulsory. Maybe Ulysses and Sons and Lovers are by now compulsory and I have not read either.


Which novels would I add to the list? Confessions of a Justified Sinner, which must be in my top half dozen, Emma, of course, The Nigger of the Narcissus and Typhoon which are much better than Heart of Darkness, Pushkin's novella The Captain's Daughter, which reminds me to mention a lovely novel called The Rector's Daughter by F.M Mayor, Gormenghast by Mervyn Peake and the first novels of all, The Satyricon and The Golden Ass of Apuleius The Golden Ass is still funny, sexy and hard to put down. I doubt if the same can be said for Don Quixote or Clarissa.

Saturday, 25 February 2012

Some Romanian quotations


The Romanians possess to the highest degree the capacity of receiving the blows of fate while relaxed. They fall artfully, soft and loose in every joint and muscle as only those trained in falling can be. The secret of the art of falling is, of course, not to be afraid of falling and the Romanians are not afraid, as Western people are. Long experience has taught them that each fall may result in unforeseen opportunities and that somehow they always get on their feet again.

Countess Waldeck
Athene Palace(1943)

Those who hold no position in government, spend their time in absolute idleness, or in visiting each other to kill time.....In their habitual state of inaction, brought on by a natural aversion to every serious occupation which does not immediately relate to their personal interest, both sexes, enjoying the most extensive freedom of intercourse with each other, are easily led to clandestine connexion: the matrimonial faith has become merely nominal.

William Wilkinson
An Account of the Principalities of Wallachia and Moldavia (1820)

I think that if Romania came one day by a miracle to get rid of all its sins and the faults of its leading political class and if, as if by magic, it gave up its selfishness, intrigue, corruption, incompetence and its scorn for the masses, still, even in that situation, this country could not make good progress if our political personalities did not get rid of their lack of seriousness.
Mihail Manoilescu
Memoirs (1927)


So exorbitant was this demand as virtually to amount to all the herds of Wallachia. The collectors were ordered to levy the increased tax within the brief space of ten days, and employed very severe measures, not stopping short of torture. When at last despairing protests were made before the palace - in itself a most unusual event - the prince [Constantin Hangerli] appeared at a window and called out angrily, 'Pay the taxes and you won't be killed'.

....An emissary was sent from the Porte to Bucarest, accompanied by a tall negro executioner. Forcing his way into the palace and into the very presence of the hospodar, he produced a firman of the sultan and ordered the negro to strangle the wretched Hangerli then and there, before the eyes of his terrified guards (1 March 1799).When some of the boiars rushed in, they found the prince's head had been hacked off, and the room was deluged with blood.

R.W Seton-Watson
A History of the Roumanians (1934)

The Paris of the Balkans, apart from an economizing on electricity of an evening that does not exactly make it a Ville Lumiere, represents, as one proceeds in a south-easterly direction, a further, and profane, emanation of the gradual decline of the image of the City, capital of France and of the nineteenth century, and indeed of Europe.

Claudio Magris
Danube (1986)


As a collective personality, the Romanians are Oriental in their souls although Latin on the surface. Their patience is almost unending but they are quick to explode in argument; they are peace-loving yet would disintegrate without controversy. They are passive but strong in their resistance; spontaneously adaptable, still difficult t influence. They are romantic but never escape from reality.
They are charming yet cruel in their ridicule, warmly emotional but calculating, generous yet concentrate on the ‘main chance.’ They are opportunistic but lose interest after they have gained the advantage; they seize the moment, still adopt the long view.

Donald Dunham

In the Balkans, upon the passing of the Christian régime to the Turks, the old system was preserved under the new masters without any essential change. But in Roumania the recognition of Turkish suzerainty by the princes of Moldavia and Wallachia did not connote a curtailment of their authority. These princes continued as the natural protectors of the Oriental Church, with the patriarchs of Antiochia, Jerusalem, Alexandria, and Constantinople ranging themsleves under their guidance. As the crowned heads of all Orthodoxy, they ruled unhampered by any immixture of Turkish authority, then limited to the fortresses of the Danube which were considered the possessions of the Sultans. Thus is explained why Turkish pashas commanded at Buda, but never in the Roumanian capitals, where the cross remained at the pinnacle of the political organization. And yet, historians continue to group the Romanians with the "Balkan Christians" who broke their fetters and became free at about the same time, as though Romanian freedom had ever been interrupted during the nearly five hundred years of vassalage under the Sultans.


Nicolae Iorga


Men of experience assert that Bukharest is a wickeder city than Budapest, and that is saying a great deal.
Around the Black Sea (1911)
William Curtis


The riders are all very gallant and debonair; the ladies sparkle like jewels; languid beauties recline in their cars and survey the scene between half-closed eyelids.
In Gypsy Camp and Royal Palace (1924)
Emil Hoppe



In much knowledge there is also much grief.

Queen Marie of Romania

Speech and silence. We feel safer with a madman who talks than with one who cannot open his mouth.

Emil Cioran



What will be the physiognomy of painting, of
  poetry, of music, in a hundred years? No one
  can tell. As after the fall of Athens, of
  Rome, a long pause will intervene, caused by
  the exhaustion of consciousness itself.
  Humanity, to rejoin the past, must invent a
  second naiveté, without which the arts can
  never begin again. 
          
Emil Cioran
The Trouble with Being Born

In certain men, everything, absolutely  everything, derives from physiology: their
  body is their mind, their mind is their body. 
Emil Cioran
The Trouble with Being Born

I believe that in the history of art and of thought there has always been at every living moment of culture a "will to renewal." This is not the prerogative of the last decade only. All history is  nothing but a succession of "crises" -- of rupture, repudiation and resistance. When there is no "crisis," there is stagnation, petrifaction and death. All thought, all art is aggressive.
Eugen Ionescu

This little blind creature, only a few days old, turning its head every which way in search of something or other, this naked skull, this initial baldness, this tiny monkey that has sojourned for months in a latrine and that soon, forgetting its origins, will spit on the galaxies. 
 Emil Cioran
Drawn and Quartered

  Paradise was unendurable, otherwise the first
  man would have adapted to it; this world is no
  less so, since here we regret paradise or
  anticipate another one. What to do? where to
  go? Do nothing and go nowhere, easy enough. 
 Emil Cioran
The Trouble with Being Born

A diary of a journey to Syria and Beirut in April 2007



Friday, March 30, 2007



I am off to Istanbul this afternoon by night train en route to Damascus which according to the BBC is 'on the tourist map.' Damn. My life's mission is to separate myself from tourists and other normal people.
 

The train left Bucharest's Gara de Nord at 12.30 in the afternoon, took over an hour to reach the Bulgarian border and more than two to cross it. The Turkish border involved waiting in several queues in the station at 2 am in the rain. A nice self-possessed girl going to Jerusalem overland and going up to Oxford to read Arabic. A literal and draining French-Canadian boy who kept asking for information of a lowering kind about the countries we were passing through. How despicable travellers are.



Saturday, March 31


Awoke to grey uneventful Turkish countryside. 16½ years after my last visit by train. The Golden Horn was hidden by a stationary train when we arrived at the station and it was gently drizzling.




Paulius’s flat with a splendid view but a cold grey day. A vulgar-looking 8-storey cruise ship in the centre of his view, The Free Carnival.



Walking. Market. Touristy hamam, its hot room not hot enough, too many people like a field hospital after a disastrous battle.



Dinner. Diet forgotten. A carouse.


Sunday April 1




Turkish breakfast en plein air near the Bosporus. Paulius is the first man I ever met who walks faster than I do and I hated trying to keep us as he strode on for many miles. At last I am taught my lesson. But it means I am ageing. A wonderful lemonade with mint by the Bosporus facing Asia. Istanbul is so European. The wooden houses seem almost Norwegian. The real Constantinople, you feel, was ethnically cleansed in the twenties and demolished in the sixties and seventies. It is just a shadow now but a very enjoyable shadow.




The nineteenth century  Dolmabahce Palace  beside the Bosporus, where the Kaiser was entertained by the Sultan, is in dreadful taste, built when the Sultans were in decay and used chairs instead of reclining on divans. I skipped out from the guided tour half-way very bored and found Paulius in the grounds and we went off together to see more interesting things.




Two people turn up with whom we drink cocktails on Pauilus’s roof. I feared they wouldn’t be clever and in fact they were and fun. A lotus eaters afternoon.


Dinner in Beyoglu. Then the Grande Hotel de Londres. But my beloved Pera Palace Hotel, the one place in Istanbul I unreservedly love, is closed for renovation. Why do I prefer the Pera Palace to the Hagia Sofia and the Blue Mosque? Because it is itself, un self-conscious. Like everything in Bucharest and Sofia used to be in 1990 but tourist attractions in Turkey are not. Because I am looking for the past in the present - shabby and seedy - not the past as it was in the past when it was new and freshly painted and cutting edge. Because the Constantinople of Greenmantle means more to me than that of Procopius or Gibbon.


Monday April 2

Plane to Adana for €60.


Huge modern looking mosque. City much more ramshackle than Istanbul but not enough so for my taste - still the overall impression was disappointingly modern and European. I wanted to look at the town but gave up. Missed bus. It’s so hard in a country where I don’t speak the language.




A bus ride with attractive scenery and a glimpse of the sea. Antakya = Antioch a modern little town with nothing old. A good hotel for €20 and a good non-alcoholic dinner at the place next door.




Tuesday 3 April


Antioch.


The cave where St. Peter preached as written in Acts. Pope Paul VI was there and I have a plenary indulgence for going there. Met Chuck and his girl, Americans living in Damascus, studying at the American University there which flourishes despite the State Departments long-standing advice to US citizens that Syria is dangerous. (It is not at all.)


A very hurried look at some marvellous mosaics in the town museum and then I missed my bus again.


I was put on a Damascus bus and after an hour standing in a queue on the Turkish frontier post and a melee on the Syrian side I was deposited at the side of the road. A few moments later some big dusky men in suits appeared from nowhere. ‘Damascus?’ I asked and they agreed this was the place. In a short while a dolmuş arrived and we all got in. I gave my 50 pound note = $1 and was given change. Such fun squeezed in.


Aleppo indescribable, ancient, down-at-heel, Ottoman, filled with women in veils and men wearing skirts and tea-towels on their heads, the real thing, the Orient at last. What I had hoped Turkey would be but what it is not. The life that was once in Greece and in Bucharest. Dusty, noisy, much traffic (old cheap cars). Asking the way to the Hotel Baron which I knew was full and finally I made it to the most charming old hotel and there I found a room from the manager (he had one of those beautiful fruity Syrian-British voices like Farouk’s). No $40 rooms left and he gave me the presidential suite for $70 where I later learnt President Assad snr had stayed in 1970. Laurence or even Agatha Christie would have impressed me more.





Heavenly dirty decrepit traffic-choked. The Ottoman Empire which at Safronbolu is a museum here exists as it really was. The life that once spread beyond Bucharest to the Carpathians and Belgrade. Here travel is an adventure. The old town genuine and not touristy where the town does its shopping sans supermarket. There are still wonderful adventures left.




Wonderful meal at wonderful restaurant. Arab ladies sitting next to me. I prevented myself disliking the lower-middle class English couple who then sat at the other table.



Wednesday 4 April


Mr Walid who has been leading tours for 40 years. The manager who is charming and warns me to knock him down by at least 30%.


The hotel is so shabby my suite rather wonderful but very down-at-heel and this is a renovated room.


Very basic breakfast in dingy room where I am very happy. So 1930s and colonial.


My guide M. takes me on a very interesting tour of caravanserais and mosques. He is an archaeologist and learned. Lunch in a good restaurant. An afternoon alone wandering.


M. who married at 18 and has 3 children brought his 44 year-old German girlfriend with him tonight and one year younger than me she looked like a grandmother which she is old enough to be.


Whirling dervishes in the evening. A guide book I borrowed said these performances were very rare but now they are very frequent and only for tourists. As well as the religious whirling we saw some other dances and I felt this had lost its innocence. An audience of Germans in their 50s watched, dressed as people in their 50s dress nowadays, i.e. like overgrown children.




Dinner. M. says the young Assad is much more liberal than his father and is respected although his appointment was not fair. ‘We are a republic not a monarchy.’ Other people in the party have their power-bases and ‘There is a red line he may not cross.’ M said ‘we killed’ his elder and nastier brother.




Thursday 5 April


Sick badly from eating that damnable raw lamb M. ordered. It tasted horrible too.


Recovered enough in the afternoon to walk slowly around the Christian quarter in the drizzling rain. The Syrian Orthodox church. The Armenians. The Marionites. Lots of boy scouts and girl guides and many people at Mass on Maundy Thursday afternoon. Christians after Mass seemed very European.


Beautiful veiled girls taking off their veils to look at clothes in a shop window. So feminine these Moslem girls and very pretty.


M’s woman is also sick. No dinner. I stumbled to a hamam in the medina.


A little mosque where a mother fully veiled bounced up and down in prayer and her son beside her. I wish England were as religious but I do not want this in England.






Friday 6 April 

Serjilla Crak le Chevalier. Palmyra.


Serjilla with M. , a ‘dead’ Byzantine city. Hama with its water-wheels which lift the water from one level to another and are very old. Artesian wells with donkeys which we learnt about in geography no longer exist anywhere in the world, M. told me but I later discovered that Syria still has them. He told me up to 60, 000 Muslim Brothers were killed there in 1982. I expect the real figure is much smaller and I am glad they were suppressed though not like that. The city was ruined by the fighting.






He sleeps with his clients but not with ‘dirty girls.’ But Russian dirty girls are available. What if his wife had a boyfriend?’ ‘She wouldn’t she comes from a conservative family.’ But men in those situations kill their wives and get off with 1 month. ‘Because the judge is a man and the police are men.’ Anyway it was different. If she found out she would cry for two weeks. He added ‘This isn’t from Muhammad.’


Crack de Chevalier is the most thrilling castle and vast. Perhaps the most romantic and exciting building I ever saw. Later I learnt Laurence paid over 40 visits. Our driver had been in Bucharest in the 80s and remembered the ‘madams’ with great fondness. He was very shocked as were all the Arabs I met that that I didn’t have one nor children. Luckily he couldn’t speak English.


The ruins. Wonderful. I managed one hour without thinking of myself as a test.




Some Irish boys of 40 who remembered how expensive long-haul travel was in 1989 and who stayed at the Sham Palace. Where do ‘ordinary people’ get so much money? I mourned the Ottoman Empire and national self-determination. ‘’That’s because you always had national self-determination.’ Indeed. A good point. Then we agreed that both countries were losing this in the face of immigration.


They said Petra in 2003 was without any tourists and were disappointed that they had returned.


My hotel was worth $4 not the €20 M had bargained for. My bed had fleas, a first for me, so I went elsewhere for a bed which I bargained down to $10 but was worth less. But clean. Felt proud of myself for making a scene.


Saturday 7 April Palmyra Damascus


I woke at 6 to see Palmyra but dawn had already come and it was raining so I returned to bed.


The French engineer who had brought his wife and children there from Beirut told me there was no hope in Beirut. 30 days of war with Israel destroyed hope more than 15 years of civil war.


I remember a postponed train, an Englishwoman woman waiting on the railway platform complaining about Cairo to Mum and Dad in 1972 and their horror at the discomforts she described and my wanting to go there. From here comes my dislike of Thatcherism. Now I am becoming right-wing but still dislike conventionality.


By 10 when I got there so had the coach parties. Always get a guide in future. My guide didn’t show me the underground tombs which I later was told were essential. Marvellous and beautiful and I tried to tell myself that other tourists didn’t matter. And they weren’t so very many really but it was Easter and Syria had a holiday for Easter. I am a lazy tourist perhaps because I am alone.


A bus to Damascus cost 120. Not bad. An Indian film in the coach then a British thriller with police with machine guns and black gangsters and shootouts in inner-city dereliction. No doubt somewhere behind it all and the four-letter words that I could just hear there was a Richard Hannay plot but this is London? And this is globalisation and will destroy traditional Muslim culture for which I am sorry. My sympathies go out to the fundamentalists.


Damascus, city of the world’s desire. No, that’s Constantinople. Dinner in the garden at the dingy Journalists’ Club where we could get a drink with Chuck and Kirsten and a leftish Yale graduate who told me global warning would lead to mosquitoes spreading disease around the world something of which I had heard nothing. He and I almost quarrelled about the British Empire. I said ‘we’ abolished suttee. ‘ “We”?’ he said with contempt. A dreary place but nice food and no tourists. They had to go off. I went to look for Mass in the Christian quarter and then back to bed in my horrible cold room.


Easter Sunday 8 April


Woke early and found a Catholic Mass and regretted the absence of Latin as I always do. Nineteenth-century church airy and white. Christian girls in tight trousers. But two or three in mantillas. Expensive-cheap look, lots of lipstick. Graham Greene.


Got better room with much haggling. Mediocre lunch in Christian quarter. The Old Town. S Ananaias’s house. Mutually schismatic churches.


Art deco grimy houses a bit like Bucharest. Far far fewer veils than in Aleppo.


The taxi-driver told me I was ‘gentil’ and meant it and I was flattered. I want to be liked.


Buffet alone and very good indeed in the Cham (pronounced sham) Palace although the Irish boys were not happy staying there. 'The Cham is a sham.'


Easter Monday, April 9 2007


i admire the Muslim world and am also appalled by it. The strange thing is that I find myself saddened that they are bound to lose their struggle against Paris Hilton consumerist inanity. But I don’t want this world of theirs transplanted into Yorkshire. But I am 50 years too late on that one. I was disappointed that the Christians here seem very Western and to have embraced modernity but am having dinner tonight with one and shall learn more. The girls beautiful but in Aleppo mostly veiled often fully.

Muslims are consumerist but they manage to do without our relentlessly triviality..

I could live happily in Syria had I not settled in Romania. Not much market for headhunters though.

Why do American voices in the internet cafe so grate?


Do they represent the modern world made banal flesh?


It is for Christians to confront modernity, not to succumb to it. Pop culture and MTV are threats to us as to Muslims. Is this true? Anyway, this is Senex talking.



Walid. I can now read character and liked him better than my other two guides. But we did Damascus very quickly between 11 and 3.30 including time in the museum. Usually his guides linger longer in the palace he shows them. He was shocked my man in Palmyra didn't shows me the underground tombs. He showed me a magnificent one in the museum. And a marvellous synagogue from the 2nd century with wonderful murals of Moses






The mosque. A religious edifice first for Baal. Like the one in Palmyra






The street called straight which I already knew.






I said some prayers to St. Paul.






A sudden realisation. Islamic militancy will not provoke a Christian backlash but strengthen secularism. Just as AIDS didn't create a backlash.






The shops in the souk. This town is very different from Aleppo and much more western. I read that since they were allowed to use the internet a few years ago after Assad snr died a new world opened for young people. But in Aleppo the internet runs very slowly in the very few internet cafes which are poorly patronised.






Monday night. Daoud in Elissar a charming man who turns out to be Nawaf’s brother-in-law. Agrees that Syrian Christians resemble Greeks. His best friend is a Muslim who doesn't drink. Syrian girls much better characters than Romanians who are false and materialistic. Syria is like Romania 10 years ago.






Tuesday Beirut






Woke at 7 and was tired all day. Decided to move hotels. Wanted a bed with springs and a bath with a plug.






A driver greeted me as I entered the station with 'Beirut?' and I was sitting in the front seat of a big taxi between the driver and a Lebanese Christian lady who'd been visiting her dead sister's children and was glad to be returning home. An imam in flowing robes his wife and children beside me.






The mountains. Mt. Lebanon. 2 and half hours for $5. The lady said it should have been $4.






The Beirut Central District, sealed off by soldiers, rebuilt, eerie, devoted to tourists but there were almost none. Sad.






A club sandwich en plein air. The orthodox cathedral and a mosque. All felt brand new although the marvellous iconostasis wasn't.






A non-place.






Soldiers bearing guns everywhere. And tent cities, I suppose with refugees from the south.






The National Museum is simply marvellous. Extraordinary roman funerary monuments. Mosaics.




The pigeon rocks. The Mediterranean. A man with blood streaming from his face standing on the edge talking to police. I wondered if it was blood or ink. It looked very bright. Of course it was blood. People stood around on the esplanade and one awful man was laughing, thinking that was the appropriate response.






A Starbucks overlooking the Med, an awful cup of ‘coffee of the week’ handed to me with several requests to enjoy it and the day






For some reason I was reminded of the dullness of an English seaside resort from my 70s childhood. But very much bigger and completely western. The girls pretty and very chic and North London. The whole place felt like North London by the sea. St John’s Wood perhaps, mixed with Bournemouth.






At last a lively street full of shops. A woman in a bookshop told me Beirutis were ‘fed up.’ She looked fed up. I tactlessly said the downtown seemed like a tomb. ‘Poor downtown.’






I felt at 6 a desire to be 'home' and found another shared taxi again without trouble in the sinister bus stn/taxi rank. A charming newly married girl in a veil with a sweet smile and a speech impediment.




Wednesday






The old town. Following 'Monuments of Syria’ by Ross Burns whose scholarly prose belied the fact that the author is an Australian although I tried to imagine the burr. A very good lunch at Elissar, a famous old restaurant in the Christian quarter. I put myself in mind of Jerome's father in A Shocking Accident though I wasn't wearing an unsuitable dark suit but my olive jacket with a crème handkerchief in the pocket






Dinner in the evening was in a back street near my hotel which I found was a little bit of old Damascus not demolished, $1 for something tasty and far too large made of chick peas and sauce. Trees, dusty little street.






Thursday April 12










This morning I felt a sudden whim to stay a bit longer though I had been regretting being here too long. Like a parent letting go of a child I told myself to follow my instinct and my instinct said stay another day or two and for a second time I changed my ticket for free.






Wandered. A Turkish bath. My 3rd and all very different. The 1st in Istanbul touristy hurried and not very hot. the one in Aleppo where the old man took 15 minutes to get the steam to come out of the pipe. This one excellent but the hot room was scalding hot and most of us couldn't bear to enter. A massage which I was glad was brief.






A wonderful khan nearby, black and white tiles.






Cow’s head with lemon between the teeth






Food handled with bare hands everywhere like in 50s England.






This is how the Balkans was.





Everyone is shocked here that I have no wife no girlfriend and no children. Ahead of me stretches my path to the grave alone I suppose.






I felt very foolish to live without a woman as I waited for Rami. He and his lovely girlfriend took me to the pub at the Sheraton which R perceives as an oasis of Westernness. I'd have preferred anywhere else but there we are. Mostly Arabs. The movers and shakers I suppose come here. Syria is infinitely more corrupt than Romania. Emails and letters get opened. They reckon Tunisia and Syria are the two important markets that Europe wants. I doubt this. Places of immense poverty in the old town. ‘You’d be surprised’ The girl was so charming and talkative and totally western it seemed. She comes from Aleppo where everyone knows everything about everyone but here in Damascus she is free.



Friday April 13


Hassan Tom's guide took me to a modern Orthodox monastery and to Maalula one of the 4 villages in the world where they speak sometimes Aramaic. I heard a sweet young Catholic girl called Mary (thus, NOT Miriam) recite the Pater Noster in Aramaic and felt very happy to be among my own people and my own sweet religion. I want to read Lane Fox. At last I find the Syrians, mentioned in the Pears Cyclopedia section on heresies. Nestorians, Jacobites etc






A book title I know well from my adolescence in second-hand bookshops nagged at me: A Journey to the Monasteries of the Levant. Wonderful, inviting title. (My anti-Catholic cousin Geraldine to whom I mentiojned this, to my astonishment, obviously thought the title repellent.)






Hussein makes a good case for the anti-Israeli a position. I suspect this is becoming the right-on cause like South Africa was in the 80s and once Tsarist Russia. Syrians respect suicide bombers. Assad snr was never as bad as Saddam. 'Please don’t misunderstand what I am going to say. Saddam was a very, very bad man. But, I don’t like to say this,the Iraqis need a leader like Saddam.' This could well be right to a degree. Alas. alas.






Hussein has children and quoted Mahomet: marriage is half of religion. ‘I agree with him on that’ I said and then wondered if this remark would offend him. Why don’t I believe in the Christian view of marriage, that marriage is about children and that a family should be perhaps as Joanna said ‘a church’?






There are 4 million Iraqi refugees here and many more come each day. Did he say 3,000 a day? Driving up prices which hits the poor who can't afford meat at the best of times






I think that the orthodox in not resisting dictators like Ceausescu have more in common with early Christians than the Catholic Church with its political pronouncements. I think that a religion that commands stoning is vile and the old idea of an eye for an eye. But why does the Old Testament do so if it is indeed inspired? And Our Lord said he came to fulfil the law. Can someone please explain?



I feel my limbs stiffen. Every Syrian assumes there is ‘a she’ in my life. Admittedly they just want to sell me jewellery but they have a point.



I saw something in one of the churches. Wish I could remember it. In English. Do not care for praise. Do not judge other people. 



Judging and stigmatising is sometimes necessary but it is exactly about substituting political ideas which are about violence for the power of love.


Saturday, 14 April 2007

In a bookshop in Istanbul airport I found two books for foreigners living in Turkey. The introduction to one said the writer had been one of few foreigners in 1998 when she came but after 2002 very large numbers came. Thus will it be in Romania. The world has changed forever.


Thursday, 23 February 2012

Sixty Years a Queen


Yes the Queen made it. She has been Sixty Years a Queen. For a moment we forget about equality and all the other cant of the age.   For a moment the republicans and trendy people fall silent.

There are many reasons why people love the monarchy. I like the monarchy for all those reasons but most of all because there is no damned merit in it.

The Queen is marvellous, has never put a foot wrong, we all agree. She has managed when everything was going so badly to save our national face. She has reminded us of our institutions and our state religion when these things are often downplayed or attacked.  

But did the British public ever fully take the present Queen  to their heart? Certainly not in the same way that they did the Queen Mother or the old Prince of Wales, ‘the first gentleman of the Empire’, who turned out not to be a gentleman at all, or the dark  Diana, Princess of Wales, who was mad, bad and, in the Prince of Wales’s case,  dangerous to know.


Lord Altrincham shocked a lot of people in all  classes when he said of our present Queen in 1957, The personality conveyed by the utterances which are put into her mouth is that of a priggish schoolgirl, captain of the hockey team, a prefect, and a recent candidate for Confirmation." But even at her present great age she still has something of the well brought-up, earnest schoolgirl. King George V's and Queen Mary's slightly Germanic accents made them oddly classless. Queen Elizabeth is not 'grand', despite being the Queen but she is very pre-1939 upper class.


The public greatly respected the Queen but had not really taken her to their hearts before I left England in 1998. They may well have done so since. Nor does this matter anyway - monarchy is not a popularity contest. The Queen believes in the divine right of kings but is increasingly seen by her subjects as a public servant whom they employ and the great majority of them are very pleased with the service they receive.

In Romania I see how lucky England is to have a decent monarchy and ruling class. Likewise the resignation a few days ago of the German President makes the same point. (If only French Presidents resigned when they behaved unethically.)  Only 8 countries have preserved their system of government without violent interruption for the last 100 years and the Queen is Queen of 4 of them. And a fifth South Africa is a former dominion of hers. The others are Sweden, Switzerland and (another former British colony) the USA.

The Queen is a descendant of Mahomet, via King Pedro the Cruel of Portugal. She descends too from  Brian Boru, High King of Ireland and she is related to Vlad the Impaler as well as  George Washington, Barack Obama, Ronald Reagan, George W. Bush and Hillary Clinton.  She is also Queen of France of course. 


She is very funny we are often told in private. When Clare Short was about to kiss hands her mobile telephone went off in her bag. She scattered the contents of the bag over the floor in front of the Queen before dredging up the telephone which died in her hands. The Queen said, ‘I do hope it wasn’t somebody important.’

She is wonderfully old-fashioned and asked Norman Hartnell “not to make me look like Miss Collins”.

Our Queen has I am told a lot of influence which is very reassuring. But I wish she had used it to stop the very many awful things that have happened since 1952 from women priests to abolishing habeas corpus, to making smoking illegal in clubs, to building over the green belt, to selling out Northern Ireland, to.... to... to....


Do we have as much to celebrate as we had in 1897? We have much more, despite the loss of the Empire. For most of Her Majesty's the last 60 years have been ones of miraculous prosperity and improved living standards. The Englishman living on the dole or old age pension is far richer in many respects than a Victorian Duke. But very very much has been lost. We now have vast numbers of divorces and abortions, AIDS, loss of religious faith, violence and gang crime, loss of belief in our traditions, more practical freedom but far fewer civil liberties in the true sense of restraints on the state. We have all the problems that always come with  ethnic minorities.  All very different from the homogeneous respectable sexually conservative vaguely Christian England over which the Queen came to reign in 1952 in what was called the 'Second Elizabethan Era', when net curtains twitched, people worried what the nighbours might think, England still thought she was a great power and people expected Kenya would be a good colony for English emigrants to settle.


Ill fares the land, to hast'ning ills a prey, where wealth accumulates, and men decay. My father grandmother and adults who remembered working class life in London before the war all told me how much better life was in those days. It was better because they were young but when I came to Romania in 1998, a country where it still seemed to be the 1950s in many respects I saw their point. 

Princess Margaret the Queen's very beautiful younger sister was far more regal. I met her when I was twenty and she was fifty and completely to my surprise I was very smitten. Elizabeth Taylor was not in it.  Princess Margaret  was a true Hanoverian whereas Her Majesty is Saxe-Coburg Gotha. She would have made an impossibly glamorous, possibly rather naughty and extremely haughty Queen – like a Queen from the pages of a romantic novelist. It would probably not have done. Instead poor Princess Margaret  slid from view in the last thirty years. She was cremated in Slough Crematorium, which somehow seems a Joe Orton ending to a William Douglas-Home drama.


P.S A good post on the Queen as England's most impressive religious leader by Damian Thompson whom I always greatly enjoy - he is so much better than more famous journalists like D'Ancona, those various talentless women or, save the mark,  the ghastly Hari. I utterly wasted my talents in the late 80s when I almost got myself a job on the Daily Telegraph where I would have fitted in very well. I remember meeting the people who worked on the Peterborough column at the Telegraph and Damien asked me: "What's your religion?" "I'm a papist."  (Alas, in those days lapsed.)  "Good. We're all papists here and we want to keep it that way." Sound man, Thompson.

They all laughed when I said I wanted to be a comedian

It has taken me to the age of fifty to realise that what everyone else thinks is often obviously wrong. I got there a long time ago about politics and history but it is much more true about laughter. So I was delighted to see Craig Brown point out that ‘Spike Milligan, too, ended up horribly unfunny, but still going through the motions of popping up on Parkinson, speaking in silly voices and doing ‘outrageous’ things, such as falling off his chair.’ Yes, yes.

Spike Milligan was once fairly funny in the Goon Show though many people couldn’t get the humour. This makes him exceptional.  Very few comedians are ever funny, funnily enough. Was Cleese? In Fawlty Towers yes and Clockwise, but much more for the scripts than for his acting, and always with an unpleasant element of cruelty. Not in Monty Python.  Ben Elton no. Stephen Fry no, although he was very funny in Footlights at Cambridge. Jasper Carrot was funny at first. Les Dawson was never very and soon ceased to be funny at all. Bob Monkhouse had only one good gag (see title of this post). Eric Morecombe was sometimes funny. The Goodies usually were.


Tony Hancock never. Tommy Cooper yes. Will Hay I like very much but this maybe because I have done so since childhood. Bob Hope? Too American for me. All those relentless wisecracks. Jack Benny had timing. But so many completely unfunny people like Alexei Sayle, Ben Elton and Ruby Wax. Abbot and Costello certainly not. The Marx Bros often yes, but much more often not.


Think about it and there is an obvious explanation. The great stand-up comics had their act or acts which they reused for years  - television constantly requires new material. And humour does not come on demand. It is 'a sudden discovery of a hidden glory in the world' a kind of mystical experience. It cannot be industrialised.


The truth is that good comic actors are very much funnier than gag tellers. Peter Sellers became funny when he became an actor playing Fred Kite in I'm Alright Jack! although he originally did not understand why he did not have jokes in his script. Only when the shop steward on the production ruined a take by guffawing loudly did Sellers understand that he could be funny without jokes.

Terry-Thomas is remembered as a comic actor but he was at one time in revue and this very rare clip seems to me an example of how to tell a (very weak) joke very well.


Today the news that Frank Carson has died. A very nice man I should imagine. The Comedians seems reasonably recent to me but it was full of Paki jokes, it discovered Bernard Manning and went out in 1970. Carson despite sharing a surname with Sir Edward Carson was a Catholic and  a papal knight and probably an all round good egg who contributed to the gaiety of nations. But I have to say the selection of his best jokes quoted by the Daily Mail today is no laughing matter. They reminded me of Dr Johnson's remark (by the way, Dr. Johnson was funny) that it is a sad reflection on the paucity of human pleasures that hunting is accounted one of them. It must have been the way Frank Carson told them.


 So I rang up British Telecom, I said 'I want to report a nuisance caller', he said 'Not you again'.

·  An Irishman's wife gave birth to twins. Her husband demanded to know who the other man was.

·  Someone threw a petrol bomb at Alex Higgins once and he drank it!

·  A fella walked into hospital and the doctor said: 'You’ve got three minutes to live.' The man said: 'Can you do something for me?' 'Yes,' he said. 'I’ll boil you an egg.'

·  A fella said to the doctor: 'What’s the good news?' 'You’ve got 24 hours to live.' He says: 'What’s the bad news?' And the doc says: 'We should have told you yesterday.'

·  Have you heard about the Irishman who reversed into a car boot sale and sold the engine?

·  I don't think my wife likes me very much, when I had a heart attack she wrote for an ambulance.

·  My father fought in World War I and single-handedly destroyed the Germans' lines of communication. He ate their pigeon.

·  A fella walks into a pet shop and says: 'Give me a wasp.' The shopkeeper replies: 'We don’t sell wasps.' He says: 'There’s one in the window.'

·  A man goes into Boots and says: 'Have you got Viagra?' 'Do you have a prescription?' asks the chemist. 'No', he replies, 'But I’ve got a photograph of the wife...' 

Wednesday, 22 February 2012

Havana 2004



Life in Bucharest has been transformed since the bloody events of December 1989 but three large apartments in a 1960s block in Mihai Eminescu have escaped the changes. Marked only by a discreet  flag and a yawning squaddie on guard they house the Cuban Embassy, a serene place where nothing much has altered since Fidel Castro’s Cuba and Nicolae Ceausescu’s Romania were friendly socialist countries. I was received there recently with immense kindness by the only two members of staff not on summer leave who spent some hours helping me find a cure for cancer.

In six years living in Romania my only regret has been for the Bucharest, ill-lit, somnambulant, other, that I glimpsed on a short and enthralling visit in 1990. That world by the time I came to live here in 1998, seemed one with Babylon and Nineveh, but very occasionally I remembered that that world had not wholly vanished. China and Vietnam might be parts of the global village, North Korea might perhaps be too sad a place even for me to enjoy, but there was still Cuba, now a fixture on the tourist circuit.

Romania shot her dictator and turned Westward, but in Cuba socialism in one country defies the zeitgeist, despite or because of the  unremitting US blockade. And Cuba fascinated me too for many reasons, including an affection for Graham Greene’s timeless description of expat life in a seedy country in Our Man In Havana. I resolved to go there on holiday but in fact I went at very short notice in the height of summer, which in Cuba is the rainy season, and for an unusual reason.

Someone close to me has cancer. A couple of months ago I was rang up late one night and told a story that sounded more like a scene from a film script than real life. My informant, who had lost her voice and was barely audible, told me that she had been told that a cancer remedy supposedly existed, which was available only in Cuba but available there for free, derived from the venom of the blue scorpion.  

The  next day the internet revealed  that a scorpion venom remedy indeed exists purportedly able to ameliorate the symptoms of cancer, slow its progress and even sometimes effect total cures. It is called escozul  and up to 60, 000 Cubans (a lot out of a population of 12 million) have taken it since it was which was first developed in 1980 by biologist Misael Bordier in Guantanamo. In Cuba educated opinion is divided and no animal tests have yet been carried out. Outside the island little was known until, earlier this year, a celebrity appeared on Greek television claiming that escozul had entirely cured his cancer. Great numbers of Greeks had immediately descended on Cuba to acquire the medicine.

the operation in Guantanamo had recently and mysteriously been closed by the authorities but another state enterprise in Havana also produced the medicine. It was unclear whether or not any was available.

As quickly as my work permitted I had had the patient’s medical history faxed to me, a splendid lady translated the seventeen pages in hours into Spanish and I tried valiantly to fax it to Havana to see if this were a suitable case for treatment.

None of the telephone and fax numbers I had worked. Only later on the other side of the Atlantic did I discover that fax and telephone numbers in Cuba rarely work. Strange how you forget things. It was exactly the same in Romania in the early 90s. In  Havana they say that if a girl offers a man her telephone number he thinks she’s giving him the brush-off.

I wasn’t hopeful that the Greeks had left any escozul, I expected at best some kind of black market where I could acquire medicine of doubtful provenance for an inflated sum, but Friday morning I decided over my early morning cappuccino to try my luck anyway. I bought my ticket and visa. On Monday morning I flew off learning only when I opened the guide-books on the plane that Havana has by far the most interesting architecture and history of any city in North or South America.

Sitting at breakfast in his hotel overlooking the sea an Armenian businessman who knew the ropes gave me the information I needed. The next day I found the medicine much more easily than I had hoped, not in Havana but in a village two hours drive away through the flat vulture-strewn countryside from ‘Dr’ Jose Filipe Monson. 18 years ago his fifteen year old daughter Mudis was diagnosed with lymphatic cancer in every part of her body and given three months to live. Monson went to Misael Bordier and Mudis was the first human treated with escozul. I met Mudis in August aged 29 completely cured although still taking escozul daily for good luck.

Monson, with Mudis’s help, now manufactures escozul himself from scorpions he keeps in his back yard. and he supplies the medicine to long queues that form outside his house four days a week. The medicine is given away for free although grateful customers are free to make donations. Readers may be glad to know that the scorpions are not killed in the process. They are merely stunned by electric shock.

Monson has done no analysis of the results but he guesses that it improves the quality of life in maybe 80 % of cases and 20% go into remission. Some complete cures are claimed. I returned to Havana with my precious cargo and became a tourist.

Havana is about the size of Bucharest, was founded a century or so later but is much older.  It’s full of seventeenth- and eighteenth century churches, monasteries and palaces, fortresses reminiscent of the set from The Mark of Zorro, and its own architectural style, the distinctively heavy Cuban baroque. The twentieth century, when Havana was the playground for prosperous American tourists, the mafia controlled the casinos and bordellos and Frank Sinatra crooned at the Hotel Seville,  added miles of sumptuous suburbs resembling mid-century Beverley Hills, but  now housing wretchedly poor inhabitants.

You have a sense of déjà vu in Havana. All those things you’ve seen so often in half-remembered photographs: the chevvies and Buicks from before the US blockade, lovingly restored and garishly coloured, their chasses uplifted by the Soviet diesel engines powering them. I put up at the Inglaterra the oldest hotel built in 1875 where I had another sense of déjà vu. Tiled walls, fans, a verandah facing the main square. It  might have been the backdrop for one of innumerable black and white films set in exotic locales. The bedrooms only somewhat reminded me of how hotels used to be in Eastern Europe. And that’s the strongest sense of déjà vu for travellers from the former Second World. We were back in the USSR or at least back to Communism again.

For thirty years Cuba was subsidised for strategic reasons by the USSR. When the Soviet Union collapsed in 1991 Cuba’s export market ceased to exist and the country went through a period of abject hardship worse than in Romania in the 80s. the solution adopted by Castro in 1993 was to allow US dollars to circulate freely and to gear the economy towards tourism. This was an admission of failure for a country whose economy had once been much stronger than the other islands in the Caribbean but an effective life-support system for Marxism-Leninism. Nowadays the country earns hard currency from tourists attracted by a sense of adventure but who don’t actually take any risks. Cuba  is a police state where even the most louche areas are extraordinarily safe. And  from remittances from the half million or so of Cuba’s bourgeoisie who fled after 1959 mostly to Florida and who send dollars home to their relatives. The American Government’s policy is curious as it aquiesces in this cash flow while  preventing Americans from spending a dime in Cuba in person. The few American tourists who get caught face draconian penalties.

At a first, superficial glance, Cuba might appear to have a decentralised economy, but the truth is different.  Some private restaurants and guest houses are permitted but must conform to tight guidelines.  While the government is adept at ensuring your tourist dollar finds its way into state coffers, the dollar earning underclass - taxi drivers, prostitutes, workers in international hotels - are among the country's wealthiest groups. 

Here was one of the most stark contrasts between Cuba and Romania: the new rich, the ostentatiously wealthy, was missing in Havana.  In fact I was told that there are a handful of people making a lot of money, but they are careful not to display the fact.  Needless to say this group included bureaucrats capable of expediting tedious red tape for a handful of dollars.  (Doesn't this sound at least half familiar?)

Much of the best colonial architecture of Old Havana as been studiously restored. even in the deliciously derelict labyrinthine streets you may stumble across  an astonishingly perfect hotel like a concealed palace in the Arabian Nights. But I preferred most of the time to steer away from the restored  parts, beautiful but too freshly painted and inhabited by flocks of holidaymakers. Havana attracts a better class of tourist, many late 20s to mid-30s, without children, guidebook in hand and often bespectacled. They mostly looked as if they might be interesting to meet at a dinner party back home, wherever home was. I just preferred not to be with them there and then.

Escaping them was easy. They obediently keep to the newly painted parts of the old town. If they accidentally slipped into the dark interior of the unrenovated streets they immediately turned back. with application I succeeded in finding little bars where I could sit drinking for Cuban currency rather than dollars. in one derelict bar I particularly liked, decorated with football shirts, Nat King Cole played from an ancient phonograph, customers stubbed their cigarettes on the floor, lovers quarrelled and  we waited for the rain to stop.

In the nineteenth century when the Latin American mainland won its independence, Cuba remained a Spanish colony, a fascinating anachronism. Ironically it is once again a museum piece where PCs are expensive on the black market and internet access is permitted only to politically correct senior managers. There is nothing more old-fashioned than a future that has failed and nothing is more old-fashioned than Cuba. This is its appeal to the bourgeois tourists whose cash keeps the whole thing going.

What are the abiding recollections from a short visit to Havana? The bicycle-taxis like rickshaws that carry passengers on roads more potholed and broken than the ones in Bucharest used to be; girls in their rocking chairs behind grilles in front parlours; the bands jamming impromptu in narrow lampless streets; the absolute decrepitude of most colonial buildings; the heat and humidity; the semi-naked passers-by; the weirdly exotic trees; the constant attentions of street-walkers. The sheer vitality of the place but an apathetic, languorous, unwholesome vitality. The paradise seaside is forgettable placed alongside Havana.

Romania and Cuba were  the two Latin countries in the Communist Bloc. Each before Communism had had in their different ways exotic, unrespectable, risqué reputations and each was ill at ease with their Slav allies. And Cuba I’ve noticed fascinates a lot of Romanians. In the chic Hotel Nacional once the headquarters of the mafia in Havana I bumped into TV star Andreea Marin making a programme for TVR and outshining even the Cuban beauties.

What  similarities exist now? The great kindliness and friendliness of people who have a great deal of time on their hands is one thing that Cuba has in common with Romania. In the Romanian private sector it is still true as it is in Cuba that ‘we pretend to work and they pretend to pay us.’ In both countries below the European surface exists a great deal of that is unEuropean and pagan. And Cuba is a very erotic country which puts its energies into sex  and this too I suppose is a point in common. The slow pace. the poverty. The human factor, the unabstractness. But most of all go to Cuba to see how very far Romania has come, for good and ill.

What do Cubans think of ‘Fidel’ as Castro is universally known? An impossible question to answer after a short visit unless one speaks Spanish. Like Eastern Europeans in the 80s very few Cubans can speak basic English, but in the street they know the three words ‘Where you from?’ thrown at every foreigner in the hope of drumming up an acquaintance. The few who do speak English are often discreet about the downside and expand on the good things. Yes there is tight rationing but no-one starves. Things are much better than under Batista. The problems are caused by the blockade. But the impression I took away from the few long conversations I had is that young people, whether they  like Castro or loathe him, have no faith in Communism and are waiting  hopefully and at the same time fearfully to join the rest of the world.

It is very easy for the foreigner to take away a rosy picture of a country without commercialism, digital TV or out-of-town shopping centres. The cruelty and stupidity of a system which frustrates and maddens twelve million people were brought home to me while I was being driven to the airport illegally by a delightful man who told me he had been abroad. The reason? He had been Central American table-tennis champion for several years and reached the semi-finals of the world championships. ‘Table-tennis is my life’ and now he ran a table-tennis school with seventeen talented pupils of whom he was very proud. ‘And in my life there is only one problem.’ ‘What’s that?’ ‘No balls’ he replied mournfully. He had spent years trying to persuade local firms to manufacture table-tennis balls without success. ‘But now I am a happy man because I think that in a few months time I shall persuade an enterprise to make balls.’ This, not the persecution of political dissidents about which Washington complains but the thwarting of an optimist  whose only wish is for his country to excel in table tennis, is the real wickedness of the Cuban system.

(First published in Vivid 2004.)

Tuesday, 21 February 2012

The good people are wrong again, this time about Syria

Once again as so often the nice people and the experts are laughably mistaken. Russia is right to fear what will follow the fall of Assad and and sees herself as defending Middle Eastern Christians. The choice seems a victory for Assad's horrible regime or a long war ending up with a Sunni regime and not many Christians or Druze left. I at one point hoped for the fall of the House of Assad but I learnt from experience. The fall of Mubarak has made things worse, probably ditto Gaddafi. We are seeing the end of the Christian Middle East. 

But the Assad regime will fall, now or at some point. I rejoice that I visited Syria in 2007 before the deluge.

http://www.eurekastreet.com.au/article.aspx?aeid=30013

Wednesday, 22 February 2012


Jonathan Littell's descriptions in the Guardian today of the way in which the army tortures opponents of the government I found unbearable to read. I suspect that the rebels are probably using equally gruesome methods too. I am in no position to judge what is going on but the press accounts from Syria are astonishingly partial in both senses of the word. Once more we hear only one side. This story and this give a glimpse of what is really going on, which the press and the British and French governments  are ignoring. To stoke up a civil war by military intervention at this moment would be insane folly but it seems on the cards. Why should not Iran and Russia intervene if Great Britain and France do?