Sunday 27 January 2019

Supporting Brexit is now the love that dare not say its name

When I was a undergraduate from a humble background brought into contact for the first time with the upper classes and fascinated by them, I used to love the Tatler. I haven't read it for decades but it seems it is still fun. At least this article is, about how to make sure you don't go to bed with a person who voted Leave.
How times have changed.

Because now there is NOTHING more important on the dating scene than how someone voted in the EU referendum. A new app called Hater allows people to match up according to what they can't stand. Its data shows that a staggering 88 per cent of users matched up according to their mutual loathing for Leave or Remain. Single people need this kind of technology, because it is a biological fact that you cannot tell whether someone is a Remainer or a Leaver by looking at them, or even by having sex with them. They smell the same, feel the same, taste the same - it's just their brains that are different.

The subset that has it worst, perhaps, are the millennial Remainer females - for whom there is no greater calamity than waking up to discover that the hilarious, handsome, well-read single lawyer who they went ahead and slept with, and might even drunkenly have imagined getting married to, having children with and one day even talking pensions with, has Leave plastered all over his bedroom walls.

Leavers do not admit to being Leavers in the Tatler set, apparently. What happened to all those staggering right wing Tatler reading girls one met in the 1980s? They were so right-wing that they made your nose bleed.

The dating rules for Brexiters to flush out Leavers are complicated but the rules for Leavers are simplicity itself.

Brexit dating rules

For Leavers

The first rule of Brexit Club is: you do not talk about Brexit.

The second rule of Brexit Club is: you DO NOT talk about Brexit.

(repeat ad infinitum until you all get the message.)

1 comment:

  1. The Wetherspoons customer’s guide to a no-deal Brexit

    ARE you a pants-wetting Remoaner who’s worried about no-deal Brexit? Here Wetherspoons regular Norman Steele answers your questions at 10am with a pint.

    Should I be worried about food shortages?

    Fuck off. We’ll grow our own food. All you need is soil and seeds, and male animals and lady animals. I wish Remoaners would stop overcomplicating things.

    If there’s a short-term problem – which there won’t be – we can always do a Dunkirk and get our brave ‘little ships’ to go to a supermarket in Calais. I’m getting choked up just thinking about it.

    Could there be civil unrest?

    There will be if May’s traitor’s deal goes through. Me, Brian and Dave have agreed to make petrol bombs and do a riot. This is in no way bullshit pisshead bravado caused by 11 pints in Spoons.

    Are we heading for an economic disaster? It certainly looks like it.

    Project Fear 3.0, mate. Sony may be fucking off but we’ll just make better tellies. They’ll probably be totally interactive so you can shag Keeley Hawes in Bodyguard.

    Should I start stockpiling medicines I need?

    Nah. We’re a plucky, ‘can do’ nation. Make your own medicines from whatever you’ve got in the house. A few aspirins here, a bit of Benylin there. If you’re still feeling peaky have a few pints in Spoons.

    In any case, we survived the war. Missing a few heart attack pills is nothing to this bulldog race who laughed in the face of U-boat attacks.

    Why do you keep irrelevantly and offensively mentioning the war?

    Because it’s the finest moment in our proud island history. Also I don’t know any other history because the kings-and-queens rubbish on History channel hasn’t got tanks or the SS.

    No, seriously, what if I lose my job?

    What’s the problem? More time to spend in Spoons.